Ask Ghost Man

Dear Ghost Man,

Recently I've ended up in a rather awkward situation. I've learned to read people's minds. It started out innocently, it was cool being able to tell what people's impressions of me were. That is until I realized that everyone thinks I'm a douchbag. Seriously, nobody likes me at all! But nobody will tell me to my face. I haven't told anyone that I can read their mind. Part of me wants to let them know that their thoughts are know longer private, but part of me wants them to know so they will stop thinking such mean things about me. What should I do?

-Perplexed Gypsy

Dear Perplexed,

Stop being such a douche.

-Ghost Man





Dear Ghost Man,

Recently I've had an outbreak of termites in my house. It's rather bad since some people have fallen from the top floor of my house to the bottom floor, breaking furniture and themselves on the way down. I don't have enough money to repair all of the termite damage. My friends are in the hospital, and my furniture is broken. I'd like to find higher durability friends, and furniture that can take an impact. Can you help?

-Termites In My Checkbook

Dear Termites,

That is quite the situation you've gotten yourself into, not as bad as that douchebag above though! I recommend that you bulk-up, grow a beard, done some flannel, and move the Pacific Northwest. There you will hopefully befriend some lumberjacks who will know exactly what to do with your woody pests. In an effort to make this transition as smooth as possible for you, I've listed some helpful tips to make friends with lumberjacks.

1. Beer or whiskey - no other drink should occupy your hand or your mouth. That includes water, milk, juice, sodas, and light beers - that [read in girly voice] hydrating crap is for hippies.

2. This one may be difficult, but it's a sure thing. If you can find yourself an extremely large (you might say giant) blue ox - they will accept you as one of their own, no questions asked.

3. Leave your car in San Diego - Lumberjacks don't drive, they log roll.

4. Do not, under any circumstances reveal the fact that you now are or every were associated with a kickball team. Not only will they kick your freaky ass - they will blacklist you from every lumberjack circle in Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Canada, and Alaska....and anywhere else where lumberjacks live.

5. When in doubt challenge them to a game of flip cup - it's the universal language of fun!

-Ghost Man